I have always lived my life, looking at it from 35,000 feet… big picture, conceptual, philosophical. I enjoy checking things off my daily list, and that feeling of accomplishment – but most of the time it is hard for me to concentrate on the details of the task at hand. That’s probably why I have not accomplished as much in my life as I have wanted, and why I don’t feel so fulfilled most of the time. Well, there are lots of reasons for that, but again… that’s a big picture view of the situation.
Tonight is June 22. I am sitting alone at my desk after getting home from the gym. It’s 1:03 AM. Those that know me know it is prime time for me… I’ve always been most alive from 10:00 PM – 2:00 AM. You would think I could have produced a hit record or a best-selling book since that is the case. But so far… this letter is the closest thing to that. An hour ago, the clock said that a new decade started for me. So, it is a good time for me to ponder life and things in life.
I never thought about being this age. It blows my mind that it is happening to me. When you are young, you never think about being this age, because it appeared to be so… old. I knew if I kept living, I would hit this milestone… but there wasn’t a bridge from that age to this age. I guess in all our minds… or dreams… we are all always 20. Some days my dreams tell me I am 20. Other days my body tells me the facts.
But I’m not sure what age I really am. I heard one of my favorite people, Joe Shelton, say one time, “Truth is different from facts. Facts say a man cannot rise from the dead. But truth says He did.” So I deal with the facts of this milestone… and live out my truth each day. The facts say that I have lived a certain number of days and years. Truth for me, at least in my mind, my heart, my world, is that age is just a number, and I can choose to be any age I want. The world around me may not understand, but that’s ok. I have found out about myself that I have spent far too much time over these years living to please what I think the other person wants me to be or do. It’s taken this long to believe that it’s more fulfilling to be what I am… what I choose to allow God to make of me, and what I really want deep down inside.
I can be me. The me I am and the me that God is continually chiseling away at. I can choose to follow God. I can choose what I think that looks like. It won’t look like what it looks like for anyone else. I have a hard time with that, because I am a people pleaser and I want to be accepted, be thought well of. But I believe fulfillment comes from being the best me I can be… and continually moving towards what my Creator has made me for. Some days I move several steps in that direction. Other days I take steps backward or act like I have no idea that that is my goal or purpose. Trust me, I have had days in the last few years that you wouldn’t know this is me. For me, really bad days. But there have been enough good ones to keep me alive and having a desire to live.
So, a lot of it is about perspective. Perspective is a valuable thing. It is relative, of course. Gaining it is an ongoing process. Most people that don’t have it, don’t know that they don’t have it. The people that do have a measure of it either learn to put up with the people that don’t or they ignore them or take steps to get away from them. Perspective about so many things: good and bad, rich or poor, meaningful or meaningless.
As I think about my life over these decades, I ask myself: “Has it been a good life so far?” I say “so far” because I believe I have a long way to go. I plan to live until I am 120. You think I can’t? Then maybe one of us lacks perspective. But as far as a good life goes, what is good? I think it depends on how you measure it. What is important to you. You and I could live the same life and have a differing opinion on if it has been “good” or not. There are so many factors that make up a good life, no matter what your measuring stick is. I have not lived the life of a millionaire, but I know millionaires that are miserable. I have not lived in the slums of Calcutta, but I have seen people with next to nothing materially be the most joyful people in the world. I do know this: the first part of my life was too easy. It did not prepare me for the hard parts of the last 10 years or so. Many people have had easier lives, and many have had harder ones. But I was not prepared for the sharp turns and body blows that life can potentially throw at you. It wasn’t that we were too good to have those troubles, or “above” them… it’s just that I was so sheltered and taken care of. We were meek, humble, God-fearing people, and those types of troubles were for other people who had chosen a different life path. Or for someone in a news article far away from me. Those who think they are immune or have all the answers, just haven’t lived enough life yet. Yes, this age gives me a different perspective than 20-year-old me. I’m not saying that now I have all the answers. I’m saying that now I know a little bit about how much I do not know. I have fewer answers now than then, but I know now which questions to ask. And when the next decade comes around, I bet I will know more.
One thing that will go far in helping to gain perspective is having someone that you love die. When Jaron got sick, everything about my life changed. When he passed away, my life was forever altered. To say that it wasn’t, would be to say that he did not have a critically important role in my life. He meant the world to me. He meant more to me than I even realized. He and Melody were my future. As much as I miss him, I miss seeing what he would have experienced and what he would have become much, much more. I miss all the things that we will never experience together. At age 19, you are still a youngster. Your 20’s are a time of incredible self-discovery. And it is so unfair that he did not have a chance to begin discovering himself. And that I do not have the opportunity to walk with him through that. His maturing and becoming what he was supposed to become was going to complete me. And that is a hole that will never be filled. So, is my life bad because of that? Well… it is not good, that’s for sure. And it is definitely hard. Losing my mom was so hard because of several things: watching her health and mind deteriorate, missing her so much, but a huge part was the hurt of what I realized I was or was not without her. Losing Jaron was the same but from a different angle. Mom had the chance to live her potential. Jaron did not. And because he was literally a part of me, I don’t either.
Someone would say, “well, you just have to keep going.” And I say, no you don’t HAVE to. You can choose the alternative. There have been days when that was an option for me. But leaning upon that new and ever-changing perspective gives me a better option. So I take each day as it comes. I try to be proactive. I try to happen to my schedule before my schedule happens to me. But I’m not very good at it. I still have a lot to learn, but at this point, I know that I pretty much take each day what life gives. I use this analogy… every day we all have to get up and go to the boxing ring. Whether you want to or not, life is a boxing ring and you climb in it when you get out of bed each day. Some days you are sharp and you knock your opponent out and feel the exhilaration of accomplishment. On other days you come home tired from a long day of body blows and dealing with what life threw at you. And then there are days when you look up and Mike Tyson slams you with a power punch and you are out before you ever hit the canvas. It’s true – nobody said life was fair. But you get to choose how you respond or what you are going to do about it. You get to choose what to focus on. And to be healthy enough to keep going, you must have a good foundation. When that power punch comes, you don’t have time to figure out what you believe. You don’t have a chance to go study and prepare for battle. You’ve got to be ready for what life throws at you… because it’s going to throw it all at you every day. Every. Day. And when it does you will either be thrown off course, dazed and stumbling around with no sense of balance, or even worse totally destroyed.
At that point, all your vain philosophies that you made up while you were taking a shower won’t cut it. It won’t be enough to stand on something that was simply in the last book you read. Or to base your life’s values on things that your popular friend that you want to be like is spouting off about. It will not work. Because you see, there is still a thing called absolute truth. Values that are true for the ages. That are true no matter how you feel, no matter if you ignore them or argue with them or defend them. They all begin with the Creator who created truth and goodness right and wrong and set the universe upon the rock of His Word before any of us were ever thought of. He even told us to build our house upon the rock, so that when the storms of life would blow against us, our house would stand. That we would not be destroyed or blown in a million different directions with every wind of doctrine. Make sure you know what you believe, and why you believe it. And make sure it is The Way, not one of the ways. The Truth, not the facts as some see them. And The Life. The eternal Life. The only one that truly matters. I have so much to be thankful for. So many things in life that are good. I am loved. I am provided for. Even when I’m overdrawn, there’s still a way to make it. Good friends, even though I don’t see them enough. My freedom. Good church. Good food. Good music. Good health. The gym. Good house, even though it needs work. Puppies. Cowboys. Bass guitar. Sunsets. Warm, dry bed and cold AC. Vacations, even though there are not enough of them. Good concerts. Good laughs. Good memories. So yes, how I look at it is all relative. But I have found that all of this comes from the past several decades of living. Of becoming who I am and knowing Whose I am. And even though the past decades have not been perfect, I do have hope. Hope in a perfect eternal life. And the belief that everything that happens points to that. And to Him. And that makes me thankful. And ready to see what the next several decades will be like. 😉
Peyton Rawls 